Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Randomize
