forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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