she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
