Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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