U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
