He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
