I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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