Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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