he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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