My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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