I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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