don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize