I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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