Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
