My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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