apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
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