got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
