Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
