My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Randomize