I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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