Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
