Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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