I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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