I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
