we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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