I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Ketchup is God's man juice
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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