Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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