so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
