Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
