I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
