Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
