Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Randomize