I should be sponsored by Trojan
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
