My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
