talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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