we have officially mastered the walk of shame
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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