Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
This is my gift to your gina
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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