none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
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