it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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