i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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