god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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