We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
