dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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