Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
