Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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