thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
