Sorry, I don't speak sober.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
