I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I just threw up on my dentist
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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