gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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