Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
