fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
grandma shit on top of the toilet
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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