theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I don't deserve a penis
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Randomize
