I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
