I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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