he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
