Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
