Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
You smell like a Billy Joel song
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
