my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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