I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
So many bounce houses so little time
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
